As you may know, houseboy’s contract isn’t just with me, but with my entire household. That means he’s required to obey everyone—including thing1 and thing2. Usually, that just means handling their chores, but let’s be real—the boys always try to push the limits when I’m not around.

Yesterday, I was out visiting a friend and ended up being gone longer than expected. When I walked into my living room, this was the scene:

Houseboy—naked, on his knees, mouth open.

Thing1 and thing2 had devised an “oral training” game. The rules?

• They threw dog kibble at him, and he had to catch it with his mouth.
• If he failed, one of them paddled his ass—and they were using the long wooden paddle.
• To add to the challenge, they had him plugged with one of my larger remote-controlled toys—which they kept turning on and off as he tried to catch his kibble.

Now, I’ll admit—I watched for a moment, and I laughed. The sight was something else.

But then, frustration set in. Kibble all over my floors? Waste of my dogs’ food? (Who, by the way, wanted nothing to do with this insanity and were peacefully asleep in my bed.) Unacceptable.

In a rare reprieve for houseboy, I ordered him to get up, go shower, and present himself in my sitting room in 30 minutes. The rest of his evening would be spent serving me properly.

As for thing1 and thing2? Cleaning duty. That floor better sparkle by the time they’re done.