When chemistry hits, it feels like gravity.
You meet someone who understands the way power moves between people. The humor lands. The conversation flows. The kink overlaps so perfectly that it feels like fate. Suddenly, you’re not thinking about vetting, you’re thinking about what comes next. You want to believe this one is different.
I’ve done it. We all have.
I try to be intentional about kink. I don’t treat it casually like a hook-up. For me, power exchange is sacred. I do vet people, but if the chemistry is strong and the energy feels rare, I can still tumble in headfirst.
It doesn’t happen often. I don’t fall easily. It takes a particular kind of person to catch my attention: thoughtful, intelligent, curious, a gentleman who knows how to listen. When I find that combination of confidence and quiet, I get excited. That excitement can blur my caution.
What Vetting Really Means
Vetting isn’t just about running background checks or asking about limits. It’s a way of discovering who someone truly is before giving them access to your time, your trust, or your body.
Real vetting means watching how someone handles frustration, how they react when they don’t get what they want, how they treat boundaries when they’re inconvenient. It’s seeing whether their words match their actions. It’s noticing the small ways they show (or fail to show) respect.
In kink spaces, people often talk about vetting like it’s a checklist. Are you safe? Sane? Consensual? But it’s not only about safety. It’s about alignment. Do we share values? Do we understand power the same way? Can we communicate through discomfort? Can I lead while you stay steady in your submission?
Why We Skip It
Because when something feels good, we want to believe it’s right.
Connection can feel like relief. After a string of disappointments, finding someone who gets you feels like exhaling after years of holding your breath. The idea of slowing down, of evaluating, feels like spoiling the moment. So we skip steps and trade curiosity for certainty. We tell ourselves this time is different.
After my last dynamic, I realized how dangerous that can be. He said everything I wanted to hear. He was passionate and charming. I ignored the cracks because I wanted the story to be real. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t vet. It was then that I stopped vetting once I liked the answers.
Hope is the easiest way to get blindsided.
The Cost of Rushing
When you move too fast, you lose perspective. You can’t observe what you’re already entangled in. Most of the heartbreak I’ve experienced, and watched others experience, doesn’t come from incompatibility. It comes from impatience. People attach before they assess. They hand over trust and power before either is earned.
There’s research showing that nearly one in five men admits to infidelity, and almost half of the men using dating apps are married or in relationships. That means a huge portion of what looks like availability is actually deception. Add kink into the mix where fantasy can blur with real life; and it’s even easier for people to perform honesty without practicing it.
That’s why vetting isn’t optional. It’s necessary.
How I’m Trying a New Approach
Vetting will be my first act of dominance; how I will establish the standard and stay loyal to my own boundaries before I ask anyone else to honor them.
I listen to my intuition, but I pair it with evidence. I ask harder questions sooner. I watch what people do when they think I’m not keeping score.
I’m using a version of the 90-day model I heard from Canada’s Dating Coach—not as a strict timeline, but as a reminder that consistency reveals character. Observation before immersion. Curiosity before commitment.
Under her theory, the men who are serious don’t mind the wait. The ones who vanish were never going to stay.
My new process is simple:
- Observe how they communicate, especially when they’re uncomfortable.
- Ask what they want from power exchange, and whether they understand the emotional labor behind it.
- Wait to see how they show up when nothing is on the line.
It’s not about control for control’s sake. It’s about clarity. It’s about learning who can hold my power with respect, not just excitement.
The Real Work
Vetting used to feel like fear. Now it feels like fidelity—to myself, to my standards, to the kind of relationship I want to build. Vetting isn’t the opposite of romance. It’s the foundation of it.
I’m still learning. I’ll still make mistakes. But this time, I’m not rushing to fill a space. I’m choosing to stay curious, to stay patient, to watch what unfolds before I call it a connection.
Thank you for this post! This is super important information for everyone in the BDSM community. Quick one night stands when it comes to power play happen, but what you’re describing here, your vetting process, almost always leads to much better outcomes. Trust in yourself, in your intuition, have a plan and then do the work to better understand that other person, and find out if there’s a match.