i’ve been commanded by Madam to write this post and explain how my day will be going.

last night, Madam gave me a command. she wanted a specific box brought from the storage unit for her to unpack in the morning. duckie said yes. now, her storage unit is like 10 minutes if i walk, but if i drive it’s a whole thing. parking, one-ways, too much. and duckie likes to walk. so once Madam was in bed, i set off to do my task.

but along the way is Alberta’s house. Alberta is a hilarious, foul-mouthed, constantly-high 91-year-old woman who feeds me, makes me cook for her, and makes me laugh until i cry. she’s also never been sober in any moment i’ve seen her. her routine is three cigs, one fat blunt, then repeat. she sips this evil cocktail of soda and hard liquor like it’s iced tea. she once gave me a glass and i blacked out after two sips.

anyhow. she was outside. waved me over. said “sit a spell.” and this is where duckie fucked up.

she handed me a bong. i was like, okay, just one hit. but it wasn’t normal. this was some kind of Alberta-grade mutant weed. i hit it. then i hit it hard. then she loaded another bowl. then another. and ducke got fucked up and thirsty. so without thinking, i chugged some of her magic concoction.

next thing i know, i wake up on her couch. naked. under a crocheted afghan. what the fuck. i bolt outside wrapped in the blanket and find her smoking like nothing happened. she tells me i puked on myself, she stripped me and put my clothes in the wash. she said they’d be ready to transfer to the dryer soon. i still have no idea how i got from the porch to the couch. is she like some superlady?

i run home in the blanket. Madam is up. she made her own coffee. and yes, she is angry. furious. disappointed. i had one job and duckie failed.

so here’s the punishment: Madam is having me retrieve one box at a time from the unit. walk there. walk back. and i have Mr. Big stuffed up my ass. the boxes are unlabeled. none of them so far are the one she wanted. i’m about to start box 21.

and this is just day one. the punishment is going all weekend. tomorrow i spin the punishment wheel and share the outcome here. wish me luck. also wish me stronger thigh muscles.