Okay, so if you didn’t know this by now, one of my fiancée-owner’s great pleasures in life is humiliating me. Apparently after four years with FemdomU, I’ve also given the rest of the staff enough information to start helping her.

Which brings me to duckie.

I need to give duckie a big fucking thank you for my four-year anniversary gift. Did he send me a bottle of something nice? A book? A commemorative plaque recognizing four years of hard work for the Magazine? No.

He sent me a fucking inflatable sex-doll sheep. Yeah.

Apparently it’s similar to the infamous sheep on duckie’s punishment wheel. I immediately asked the question any reasonable human being would ask: “Please tell me this isn’t YOUR sheep.”

He enthusiastically assured me it was brand new. Then, like a salesman trying to close a deal, explained that mine was actually the improved model.

“More holes and a vibrator!”

Thanks, buddy. Really. You shouldn’t have. You really, really shouldn’t have.

Of course, my owner already knew the damn thing was coming. That should tell you this wasn’t a gift. This was a conspiracy with postage.

She made sure duckie’s thoughtful little anniversary present was put to use immediately, which is how I eventually found myself naked and thoroughly humiliated, demonstrating the ridiculous thing for her while Brandon watched and laughed his ass off.

Four years of writing for the Magazine, ladies and gentlemen. I’ve written features, shared embarrassing stories, met some amazing people, and contributed countless hours of my life.

My commemorative gift was an inflatable sheep with upgraded holes.

I can’t wait to find out what’s waiting for me at five years.

So thank you, duckie. Truly.

I can’t wait to get you back. Sorry. Poor choice of words. I can’t wait to return the favor.