The Time I Had a Sub and I Didn’t Know I Was a Domme
by Queen Ketzeleh | Aug 27, 2025 |
In 2014, I was working as the Executive Director of a Jewish religious organization. One of the synagogue’s most active volunteers was… let’s call him Michael.
Michael was quirky, funny, and sharp in his own unique way. The kind of guy people might say was “on the spectrum.” He was deeply committed to the community and spent countless hours around the building, always ready to lend a hand. Somehow, we clicked, mostly over religious text study and music, which we both loved.
But Michael wasn’t just a casual volunteer. He attached himself to my orbit. He ran errands for me, picked things up, carried things out, fixed what needed fixing, and seemed endlessly eager to make my job easier (and often made it harder). Looking back, what he was really doing was acts of service. Constantly.
At the time, I didn’t have the language for it. I just thought, oh, he’s being kind, he’s being helpful. But there was something else in the air. A hum of obedience. Devotion. Loyalty.
Here’s the thing. I wasn’t attracted to him. It was never sexual. We were both married. At that time, I even thought of myself as a lesbian. And yet what we had was strangely intimate, much deeper than just friendship.
Eventually, he admitted he was in love with me, which made me wildly uncomfortable. In hindsight, it explained a lot. Other people had hinted at it, but I brushed it off. It took me years to name it for what it was. I literally had a sub for years without realizing I was a Domme.
It wasn’t roleplay. It wasn’t negotiated. But it was a power exchange. He poured himself into serving me, and I accepted it, even relied on it. That’s the heart of D/s.
The wildest part is that I didn’t know what I was doing at the time. I thought, here’s this slightly weird guy who gets purpose from helping me, so I’ll let him. But really, I was already living in a Domme/sub dynamic long before I had the language, the self-awareness, or the kink framework to recognize it.
And it makes me wonder. How many of us are walking around living out our dynamics without knowing it? How often does friendship, mentorship, or volunteering blur into something that looks a lot like D/s once you strip the labels away?
Because here’s the truth. I had a sub. For years. And I didn’t even know I was a Domme.
Queen Ketzeleh so very very true. My experience has been submissive to a female and just as you experienced and not realize what is . The deal for me is it worked. I was happy serving. Once I became aware of this one can see it in others relationship. A fascinating post .
Thank you so much for sharing that insight
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
Too true – especially for someone who is naturally Dominant, you sometimes simply fall into those Ds relationships in various aspects of life. I’m sure Michael may not have gotten everything he wanted from that situation, but I wonder if he too came to a realization around his own submission?
Interesting point! I wonder too, now. Thank you.