things progressed pretty quick today, so here’s the rundown:

i was asleep on the couch in the middle of the night—peacefully, might i add—when suddenly i couldn’t breathe. why? because Madam’s Mister sat bare-ass on my face.

no warning. just boom, full moon suffocation.

i shoved him off—he went flying across the floor, laughing his ass off. drunk, high, totally out of it. honestly, i have no idea how he got in without waking me before that little performance.

then, of course, he started stumbling toward Madam’s bedroom. yeah—no. i tackled him. which, to be fair, didn’t take much. dude was a wreck. i sat on him, held him down until he passed out cold on the floor.

cut to this morning: Madam finds him still on the floor, bit of puke, very classy exit scene.

and that was it. She’s done.

i called him a car, helped get him dressed, told him i’d bring his stuff later. he cried. not gonna lie—it kinda made me feel bad.

but still.

i’m loading his stuff now. gonna drop it at his curb in an hour.

door closed. chapter over. house cleared.