Dear Mizz Geena,

I never imagined I’d be writing a letter like this, but I’m at a complete loss and need your advice. Recently, I discovered something that’s left me shaken and questioning everything about my relationship with my fiancé. He’s spent his entire savings—including a small inheritance from his late grandmother—and even racked up credit card debt paying online dominatrixes to dominate him in video chats. I feel blindsided, hurt, and honestly, a little betrayed.

We’ve been together for three years, and in all that time, he never hinted at having these desires or fantasies. I stumbled upon this when I noticed some strange charges on our shared credit card, and after confronting him, everything came tumbling out. He’s been meeting women online and paying them by the minute to dominate him, but he’s never once expressed any interest in me fulfilling this role in our relationship.

I can’t help but wonder: was he being scammed by these women? Or was this truly about something deeper that he felt he couldn’t share with me? Why wouldn’t he come to me about this if it’s something he wanted or needed? Was it the thrill of anonymity? Or is there something wrong with him—or with us—that drove him to seek this elsewhere?

Now, I’m stuck wondering if this is something I should try to explore for him. Should I attempt to become the dominant partner he seems to crave in these online interactions? Could that salvage our relationship, or would I just be pretending to be someone I’m not? Or is this a sign that we’re fundamentally incompatible, and I should call the whole thing off before we get married?

I love him, but I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. I’m questioning everything—his honesty, our connection, even our future together. Please, Mizz Geena, help me make sense of this. I need your guidance.

Sincerely,
Heartbroken and Confused

Dear Heartbroken and Confused,

First, let me say how deeply sorry I am that you’re going through this. It’s clear you love your fiancé and want to understand what has happened here, which speaks to the strength of your commitment to the relationship. That said, discovering something like this would leave anyone feeling blindsided, hurt, and questioning the foundation of your partnership. Let’s break this down step by step.

Why He Didn’t Come to You

It’s not uncommon for people to feel ashamed or hesitant about sharing their deepest fantasies, especially when they involve something as intimate as domination and submission. Your fiancé might have been worried about how you’d react, afraid of judgment, or unsure of how to even start the conversation. Anonymity often makes these interactions easier—it’s simpler to expose one’s vulnerabilities to a stranger who has no emotional connection to you than to someone whose opinion and love you cherish.

This doesn’t excuse his actions, but it does provide some context. It’s possible he turned to online dominatrixes not because he didn’t want you involved, but because he didn’t know how to ask or feared what your response might be.

The Financial Betrayal

The financial aspect of this situation is significant and adds another layer of betrayal. Spending his savings, including an inheritance, and accruing debt to pay for these interactions is deeply concerning. It suggests a lack of control or a prioritization of his desires over shared responsibilities. Regardless of the motivations behind his behavior, this is something that needs to be addressed head-on. Financial transparency is as important as emotional honesty in a relationship, and this breach of trust needs to be rebuilt.

Exploring Your Role

Before jumping to the conclusion that you need to become a dominatrix for him, take a moment to reflect on whether this is something you’d genuinely want to explore. Entering into a BDSM dynamic out of obligation rather than interest is not sustainable and could lead to resentment. However, if you’re curious or open to learning more about this part of him, it could be an opportunity to deepen your connection.

Here’s how you might start:

  • Have an open conversation: Sit down with him and ask him to explain his desires, without judgment. Let him share why he sought this out and what it means to him.
  • Learn together: If this is uncharted territory for you, consider exploring it together at a pace you’re comfortable with. There are resources, books, and workshops on BDSM dynamics that can help you understand what it entails.
  • FemdomU Magazine offers a wealth of articles and guides that can be beneficial.
  • Encourage him to spend time in the Sub’s Corner to gain deeper insights.
  • Set boundaries: If you choose to explore this, it’s vital to communicate your limits and ensure that you’re both on the same page about what is and isn’t acceptable.

Was He Scammed?

You asked if he was being scammed, and the short answer is probably not—at least not in the traditional sense. Professional dominatrixes provide a service, and while the rates can be steep, they’re typically upfront about the costs. However, if he spent more than he could afford or went into debt, it might have spiraled into something compulsive. This could be worth exploring with a therapist, especially if he struggles with impulse control or addictive behaviors.

Can Your Relationship Recover?

The answer depends on both of you. Rebuilding trust will take time, honesty, and effort on both sides. You’ll need to feel confident that he can be truthful with you moving forward, and he’ll need to demonstrate that he values your relationship enough to prioritize communication and transparency.

If you both feel that this relationship is worth saving, here are a few steps to take:

  • Couples therapy: A neutral third party can help facilitate difficult conversations and guide you both toward understanding and resolution.
  • Financial accountability: Work together to address the financial impact of his actions and put safeguards in place to prevent a repeat of this behavior.
  • Exploring his needs: If you’re open to it, learn more about what he desires and see if there’s a way to incorporate those dynamics into your relationship in a way that feels authentic for both of you.

Moving Forward

This is the hardest question, and only you can answer it. If his actions feel like an irreparable breach of trust, or if you find that his desires are fundamentally incompatible with your own, it’s okay to walk away. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and it’s better to address these issues now than to carry unresolved pain and resentment into the future.

Final Thoughts

Take your time to process everything. There’s no need to make an immediate decision about your relationship. Focus on open, honest communication with him and decide if there’s a path forward that feels right for both of you.

If you choose to stay and explore his desires, you might be surprised at what you discover—not just about him, but about yourself. And if you decide that this relationship isn’t the right fit, you’ll know you gave it thoughtful consideration. Either way, your happiness and sense of self-worth should never take a backseat.

With care and understanding,
Mizz Geena