“Don’t Be Shy, You Belong Here.”

By BoxingGloveLove

I was in my extremely early twenties when I attended my first CFNM (clothed female/nude male) event.

My local chapter of ClubFem was holding one of its annual service parties, and I had charmed the headmistress – or desperately pleaded my case – enough to be allowed to serve. This one was a mani-pedi-brunch, and the first femdom event of the Spring.

I definitely felt like I was about to take another giant leap forward.

It was super fortunate that I had already been in the lifestyle for a few years at that point, because it had forced me to meet many cool people in that short amount of time.

Yes, forced. When you’re a shy kid by default, and you’re trying to play the self-improvement game…simply going out and meeting people can feel like a drag. I know well how that burning shame feels when you’re stuck in a place full of people you don’t know, and everyone else seems like they know each other. That burning shame is the number one stopper of good times for introverts everywhere.

But still, despite my affliction, I actually made friends in the kinksphere.

Some were fellow travelers on the road of life that pointed me in the right direction when I didn’t know where to go. Others were nice enough to allow me to play with them. Everyone I met was a kinkster who knew other kinksters, and that was my gateway to the wider, leather-clad world.

Putting myself out there, stifling my annoying shyness, and actually going out and meeting the right people had given me the courage I needed to take that aforementioned giant leap.

But me serving at this CFNM event was a totally different animal…

I don’t have that much courage, I remember thinking to myself.

Don’t Be Deplorable…

I’ve spoken to too many subs at events, and seen their negativity in the comments and posts they make on forums all the time, bemoaning their stations, whining at the rarity of dominant ladies (while ignoring their own rarity as submissive men), and talking like the kink-space is some impossible-to-get-into club…when it’s really just a local subculture full of accepting and often friendly people.

I don’t dig it. I dislike the misconceptions and definitely the entitled attitude that some subs exhibit. A domina owes you nothing, service is its own reward, and a gentleman always keeps his cool. There’s no quicker way under my skin than lack of respect for others.

That being said, let me get off this really high horse for a second. I certainly did my time looking in from the outside, too, and people are always taken aback when I tell them that I used to be shy.

I even felt some of those petty, jealous, entitled feelings, too, once upon a time.

They reaped me no rewards and only made my journey longer and more arduous. I learned quickly that no one is obligated to like you, and that no one is just going to walk up to you and give you what you want.

I learned that all positive growth comes from being in service to another human being. I let go of some of my prodigious ego, and made the effort to meet others where they were at.

I was amazed at the instant results I saw.

If any of this sounds familiar, or if you are one of those sad subs posting their frustrations, I have some extremely good news: Getting in is not an impossibility; you just need to be able to make friends… and that isn’t difficult.

So come on champ, its time put on a leather collar under some nice clothes, lock up and leave the house, and absolutely be the talk of the next munch.

You can make it to the CFNM party too, and I’m about to tell you how.

Fortune Favors The Bold!

I’m sure that most submissive men have at least a few things to say about the dreaded personality trait called shyness.

The very notion of getting aroused by feelings of humiliation and shame has to share a common denominator with being the “shy type”, just by virtue of the intersection between human psychology and sexuality.

And while humiliation and shame are fun to writhe around in when you’re finally in the dungeon beneath the heel of a dominatrix, take it from me: being shy will only hold you back in a world where socialization is its lifeblood.

Femdom and kink are communities like any other, and sociability is the currency one uses for exchange there. You want to go to an event? You need to be the right amount of social. Wanna join a club? Gotta pay that social cost. The more conversations you have, the more chances you have of making connections. This is how every sub I know personally found their domme: making an effort to schmooze at the munch, wearing their best smile, being a good listener and sharing witticisms, and eventually linking up with someone that flips all the right switches.

Absolutely none of that will happen if you are shy, or too stubborn to meet new people.

Around the time I hit high school age, I made a conscious effort to fight my shyness. Sports, working retail, and going on dates did their thing, and got me decent enough at not freaking out in front of strangers, eventually. Decent enough to carry me at the many munches I would begin attending at age 19.

I bore you with this personal history to illustrate that shyness can absolutely be conquered. If my awkward ass can learn to say hi to a dominant woman while maintaining eye contact, then even the shyest submissive can learn to turn the head of a domina. And while I am by no means a charisma-king (I’m simply a pathetic sub, no more), I do have a set of modest people skills and fun stories that I can lean on in most social situations… and most definitely the kinky kind of social situations.

But I didn’t get like that overnight.

Humiliation and Shame are your Friends, Sub!

Let me take it back to the Spring Service Party.

I was definitely scared, walking up to the event space; I’m not going to lie. Petrified, even. I had never served nude before.

And damn, I had never been this self-conscious before, either! I was nervous, I’d look in the mirror, and every little bit of my physiognomy was something else to criticize, and I was even beginning to doubt my people skills, which had brought me here in the first place.

It was torturous…but here’s the crazy thing: I could serve with these feelings of self-deprecation.

Nasty as they seemed…they were really nothing.

Remember those aforementioned feelings of humiliation and shame? See, I’ve always quite liked humiliating myself in front of women. I had felt that craving growing in me since I was a very young man. These emotions, agonizing as they might be, would keep me sharp whenever I would be serving the matriarchy, and always at the ready. They would prevent BGL from making an awkward ass of himself, and get him excited for whatever his domina could come up with next.

Because I love those feelings of being small. Of being at the mercy of a bunch of laughing women having a fun time.

You being a champion sub, I’m sure you understand what I’m saying.

You can totally use your love of femdom to get you through, and within that, your love of humiliation to beat back your shyness!

It’s all about being in the moment, the way a bird is in the air, or a fish is in the water. People call it mindfulness these days, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy…and it comes in handy when those social situations look daunting.

If you can find something, anything that you enjoy in a moment of shyness, grab onto it. Really think about how it makes you feel, center yourself with it, and don’t let go. Breathe with it slowly, until you feel your confidence start to rise. Feel that happiness, and harness it. This is definitely the kind of thing that takes time to master, but it’s the first thing that most therapists recommend when the weight of the world gets too heavy.

Speaking just for myself, I owe my life to CBT. And I’m not talking about the fun, pain-slut kind.

I mean the meditation kind! The one that takes a while to get down right. The one that can keep you calm and cool in any situation. It got me to let go of my anxiety and focus on that aforementioned self-improvement game.

Finding Your Place

So, this was my first time serving completely nude. And I had yet to provide professional-level service of any kind to anyone, let alone multiple dommes at the same time.

So, believe me when I say that this day… this particular event in my life is a huge deal for me. It looms large in my personal history. A giant, momentous occasion where I had crossed a certain threshold.

Looking back, it was a graduation.

Being an eager, starry-eyed kid from the very beginning, I got there early. I greeted the headmistress of my local ClubFem chapter the proper way, by kneeling respectfully and giving each of her toes a kiss. It was because of her kindness that I was able to take my place beneath the table. I was grateful to her. I still am.

Then, we struck up a very fun, very normal conversation. Like one would do in the vanilla world. The headmistress was a savvy lady, and I knew she could smell the fear in me. I’ll never forget her six magic words that put my anxious mind at ease:

“Don’t be shy, you belong here.”

They made me feel brave.

I helped set up the different stations: one for manicures and another for pedicures, one for massage…and a Saint Andrew’s cross for playtime afterward. I had never seen one before then. I remember thinking it looked intimidating…but very sexy.

Me being a brand-new acquisition, I wasn’t given the privilege of preparing food, or mixing drinks. I’m super proud to say, though, that putting the maximum amount of effort into my service and keeping my composure right where I wanted it would earn me those privileges at the next event. I would keep busy with ClubFem for years afterwards.

My first CFNM service brunch went fabulously. I got to enjoy the company of witty and gorgeous ladies, got to feel useful to them, and got to lift and carry heavy objects, which I adore.

I also got tied to that Saint Andrew’s Cross! All this from just upping my people skills.

Because at the end of the day, it totally is all about the connections one makes. Boil it down, and it is just people meeting people, and getting to know them. I know it may be hard to believe, but a lot of those old cliché’s that people throw around have kernels of truth.

It really is all about who you know. My meeting the headmistress before the event had brought me to the front of a very long line.

And yes, I was able to make all of these connections by just being myself…but being the best version of myself that I could chisel out helped as well.

I am Not Shy, Because I Belong Here

Getting to serve as a sub in a real-life Femdom club was one of the greatest adventures of my life. And my initiation to it was all the sweeter for my having worked for it. Without that experience, I never would have ended up sharing my stories here.

And I love FemdomU.

I am not shy, because I belong here.

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