I recently wrote about my belief that men belong naked, obedient, and useful. And while writing it, I couldn’t resist thinking about that wonderfully outdated old expression about keeping a woman “barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.”

Obviously we can’t really have our men barefoot, naked, and pregnant in the kitchen.

Barefoot? Easy.

Naked? Absolutely.

In the kitchen? Hopefully they’re fucking useful there.

Pregnant? Okay, biology ruins all the fun.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t make a boy pretend.

I’ve occasionally incorporated the idea into pegging because, for the right submissive, the suggestion alone adds another delicious layer of humiliation. I’ll tell him that if he’s going to present himself for me like that, perhaps I should put a baby in him. Suddenly this grown man who knows perfectly fucking well that pregnancy isn’t an option is being informed that I’m going to knock him up anyway.

Sometimes I’ll put a hand on his stomach afterward and ask whether he thinks it worked. Maybe tell him he’d better start thinking of names. If he’s particularly fun to embarrass, I’ll ask whether he’s hoping for a boy or a girl.

It’s completely ridiculous.

That’s why I enjoy it.

Femdom doesn’t always need to be serious. Sometimes humiliation works precisely because everyone involved understands how absurd the premise is. You’re taking an old sexist expression that was traditionally aimed at women, flipping the entire fucking thing around, and making a submissive man play the role instead.

And some men absolutely melt when you do that to them.

So no, ladies, we can’t actually keep our men barefoot, naked, and pregnant in the kitchen.

Three out of four isn’t bad.

And with a sufficiently embarrassed imagination, we can always pretend about the fourth.