FreeUse but Not Abusive?
Dear Mizz Geena,
I read your article about going freeuse, and wanted to share my experience – and ask for some advice!
For the past two years, I’ve had a living arrangement that works unusually well for us… me, my boyfriend, and our two female housemates. My boyfriend is submissive and proudly freeuse in our home. My housemates have full access to him, and we all enjoy the benefits of his obedience and eagerness. If I want exclusive control, I lock his cock up in chastity. Otherwise, he’s theirs to use however they please, including the occasional group scene with their own dates involved.
But recently, things have shifted. One of my housemates, Jan, has more or less moved her boyfriend, Rod, into the house. He sleeps here most nights, uses the laundry, eats meals, and to be fair, he pays his share of expenses. That part is fine. What’s not fine is that Rod now uses my boyfriend too… and uses him a lot.
I don’t want to change the overall dynamic. We all love that my boyfriend is available, obedient, and slutty by nature. He thrives under attention and usage, and he’s never been allowed to say no. But lately, I can tell this is taking a toll. Rod’s use of him is intense and frequent, and it’s starting to drain my boyfriend to the point that there’s not much left for the rest of us. I can see him going quiet, physically worn down, less eager to please.
I’m not trying to take back control or revoke access, but I am trying to protect what we’ve built. How do I set limits without breaking the spirit of our freeuse arrangement? How can I keep the dynamic intact, while making sure my boyfriend isn’t being overused to the point of burnout?
What’s the right move here?
Sincerely,
Freeuse but Not Abusive
Dear Freeuse but Not Abusive,
First of all, thank you for writing with such care and clarity. What you’ve built in your home is not only unique, but also clearly structured around conscious dominance and consensual play. And you’re asking the right question at the right time: how to protect a submissive within a dynamic that thrives on openness.
Let’s get something straight: “freeuse” does not mean limitless. It means freedom under structure, not freedom from responsibility. If your submissive is being used to the point of depletion, especially by someone who didn’t help establish the dynamic in the first place, you are not only allowed to intervene… you are required to.
From your letter, it’s obvious that your boyfriend trusts you, thrives under your control, and responds well to being shared in the right conditions. But when his ability to serve is compromised, everyone loses, including the household.
You don’t need to undo your arrangement. You need to reassert your authority over it.
Here’s how I would approach it:
Step 1: Reframe the House Rules
It’s time to revisit and clarify the house guidelines for access. You can do this without making it personal. Present it not as a reaction to Rod, but as a natural evolution of a healthy freeuse environment. You might say something like:
“Our dynamic works best when our sub is thriving, not just surviving. We’re going to start rotating access so he remains a responsive, eager toy… not a worn-out one. That’s what keeps him useful and happy for all of us.”
Structure will enhance the pleasure for everyone, including Rod. It creates anticipation, respect, and more erotic focus. Consider assigning time slots, days of access, or even themed use nights.
Step 2: Implement a “Capacity Check” System
Your boyfriend isn’t allowed to say no, but you are allowed to step in. Create a private, subtle check-in system where he can report how he’s doing. A color code, a number rating, even just a text at midday that you decode. This lets you manage his energy without requiring him to violate his “always available” role.
If he’s drained, you can step in with a perfectly in-character announcement: “He’s on cooldown for the next 24 hours. Use will resume tomorrow at 8 p.m.” That doesn’t weaken the dynamic. It strengthens your dominance.
Step 3: Address Rod Directly, Domme-to-Dom
Rod isn’t a Domme, but he’s participating in a system designed by one. That means he should answer to you. Speak to him with confidence and calm, not defensiveness. Lay out your expectations for the sub’s care and use.
You might even say:
“I appreciate how much you enjoy playing with my boy. He’s a gift I’ve chosen to share. But I expect anyone using him to maintain his condition and follow house protocols. If that can’t be respected, access will be restricted.”
Remember: Dominance is Not Passive
Even in a freeuse household, it’s your control that keeps the structure working. The moment things become exploitative or unsustainable, it’s not Domination, it’s chaos. And I can tell you didn’t build a house of chaos. You built a house of kinky, empowered balance.
Let your sub serve joyfully. Let your housemates indulge. But keep your hand on the leash.
With clarity and command,
Mizz Geena
Great counsel, Mizz Geena!
Her situation is different than mine, even though my numbers are greater. Here, presence isn’t 24/7. It’s on-call to be sure but this seldom can be immediate. So, it tends to self-discipline. Plus every Lady is now experienced and fully comfortable in dominance. Its also true that our boys aren’t 20-something stallions, nor untrained, any more. But …
Something that’s worked here, from time to time, albeit usually for developmental reasons – expanding limits, improving performance, etc. – rather than discipline (although an always underlying tenet is to encourage improved self-control), which she might also think about: speak with Jan about “turnabout being fair play.” She and her other housemate can certainly wear out Rod – even if he is a stallion – and then perhaps someday direct the sub to wear him out too!!! Could be informative for everyone.