Falling for a Domme Who Won’t Love You Back

Dear Mizz Geena,

I’m 23, and for the first time in my life, I’ve found myself in a relationship—or whatever you’d call it—that has completely upended everything I thought I knew about myself. She’s 43, divorced, and far more experienced than I am. From the start, she made it clear that what we have isn’t meant to be anything more than what it is: I come over when she allows, we spend most of our time together having sex, and I submit to her in every way she desires. She’s very dominant and deeply into BDSM, and I’ve discovered that submitting to her is not just something I enjoy—it feels like a part of who I am.

Here’s the thing: I never knew I wanted this, and now it’s all I want. But I don’t just want it once or twice a week—I want it all the time. I want this to be a real, full relationship. I want to be hers in every sense, not just when it’s convenient or when she’s in the mood.

She’s made it very clear that this isn’t going to happen. She told me from the beginning that this isn’t meant to be a serious, long-term thing, and she’s even hinted that she might see other men. The thought of that kills me. I feel like I belong to her completely, and I can’t imagine dating anyone else when I already feel so owned by her.

But at the same time, I don’t think what we have is enough for me anymore. I want more—more of her, more time, more commitment—and I know she doesn’t want that. I’m stuck between feeling like I can’t let go of her and realizing that staying in this situation might never give me the kind of relationship I’m craving.

What do I do, Mizz Geena? How do I reconcile these feelings? Do I try to convince her to let me into her life more, or do I walk away even though it feels impossible? Please help me figure out how to navigate this.

Sincerely,
Owned and Conflicted

Dear Owned and Conflicted,

Your situation is both emotionally intense and complex, and it’s understandable that you’re grappling with these conflicting feelings. Engaging in a BDSM dynamic, especially one that has awakened a deep-seated part of your identity, can be profoundly transformative. Let’s explore your predicament and consider potential paths forward.

Understanding Unrequited Dynamics

It’s evident that your feelings for her have evolved into a desire for a more encompassing relationship, while she remains steadfast in her boundaries. This disparity can lead to feelings of rejection, which, as research indicates, can manifest similarly to physical pain.

Recognizing this can help you understand the intensity of your emotions.

Communicate Openly

While she has previously articulated her stance, it might be beneficial to have an open conversation about your evolving feelings. Expressing your emotions can provide clarity and ensure that both parties are fully aware of each other’s positions. However, be prepared for the possibility that her perspective may not change.

Self-Reflection and Acceptance

It’s crucial to assess whether remaining in this arrangement aligns with your emotional well-being. Unrequited love can erode self-esteem and lead to feelings of isolation.

Reflect on whether the current dynamic fulfills your needs or if it’s causing more harm than good.

Exploring New Connections

If you decide that this relationship cannot provide what you seek, consider opening yourself to new relationships where your desires for a committed BDSM dynamic are reciprocated. Engaging with communities, such as those on platforms like FetLife, can help you find individuals with compatible interests.

Prioritize Self-Care

Navigating unrequited feelings can be emotionally taxing. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of this relationship. This not only aids in healing but also reinforces your sense of self-worth.

Seek Professional Guidance

If you find it challenging to cope with these emotions, consulting a therapist experienced in relationship dynamics can provide valuable tools and perspectives. Professional support can assist in processing feelings and guiding you toward healthy decisions.

Moving Forward

It’s essential to honor both your feelings and her boundaries. While the connection you’ve experienced is profound, a sustainable relationship requires mutual desires and commitments. By acknowledging the current limitations and prioritizing your emotional health, you can navigate this situation with grace and integrity.

With understanding,

Mizz Geena