From Pushover to Powerhouse: Reclaiming Your Role as a Dominant Woman

Dear Mizz Geena

I need help – I think I’m too much of a pushover as a Domme. I recently started dating a guy, both of us were interested in a Domme/sub relationship, and had discussed it quite in depth. I’ve had some experience, but mostly during sexplay, and he said he’d been in one long-term FLR and was looking to fully submit. We have been dating, and the sex is great, but I think I’m failing at being the all encompassing Domme. He gets away with pretty much whatever he wants, and we fuck all the time. I think he’s just getting what he wants, and I’m not sure I’m getting what I need here. He’s enjoying having someone spank him once in awhile, be commanding during sex, but mostly to be sexually active a lot. Maybe it’s the fact I’m about 5 years older, but I’m looking for more – I want a sub who will truly submit to me, and for it not to be all about the sex. Am I doomed here, or is there a chance to turn this around and make him the obedient dog, I mean sub, I’m looking for, while he can still get what he needs?

Please Help,
Pushover Domme

Dear Pushover Domme,

First of all, it’s great that you’re recognizing the dynamics at play in your relationship and that you’re seeking ways to align them with your true desires. Being a Domme isn’t just about playing a role during sex—it’s about establishing a dynamic that fulfills both your needs and the needs of your submissive, in a way that feels empowering and satisfying for you.

1. Clarify Your Desires and Boundaries: It sounds like you’re looking for a more holistic dominance, where your sub not only submits to you sexually but also respects your authority in other aspects of the relationship. To achieve this, it’s essential to clarify what you want from this dynamic. Take some time to think about the specific ways you want your sub to submit to you outside of the bedroom. This could include tasks, rituals, or behaviors that reinforce your dominance and his submission.

2. Communicate Your Expectations: Once you’ve clarified your desires, have an open and honest conversation with your sub about what you’re looking for. It’s important to express that while the sexual aspect of your relationship is enjoyable, you’re seeking a deeper level of submission that extends beyond the bedroom.

Important: Set Clear Rules and Boundaries: Establish specific rules and expectations for his behavior. This could include daily tasks, manners of addressing you, or ways he can serve you in non-sexual contexts. Make it clear that these are not negotiable and are a key part of the dynamic you’re seeking.

3. Implement Structure and Consequences: To reinforce your authority, it’s important to implement a structure that includes both rewards for good behavior and consequences for disobedience. This doesn’t mean you have to be harsh or strict all the time, but it does mean setting clear boundaries and enforcing them.

Use Rewards and Punishments: Decide on rewards that motivate him and punishments that remind him of your authority. The punishments don’t have to be severe, but they should be consistent and meaningful. For example, you might withhold certain privileges or assign extra tasks if he doesn’t meet your expectations.

4. Focus on Non-Sexual Submission: To move the dynamic beyond just sex, introduce non-sexual elements of submission. This could include tasks like household chores, running errands, or attending to your personal needs. These activities help reinforce the power dynamic and remind him that his role as a sub is about more than just sexual gratification.

5. Assert Your Authority: Being a Domme means being confident in your authority and not allowing your sub to manipulate the dynamic in his favor. If you feel he’s trying to push boundaries or get away with more than you’re comfortable with, it’s important to address it immediately. Let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and that you expect more from him as your sub.

6. Don’t Be Afraid to Re-Negotiate: If you find that the current dynamic isn’t meeting your needs, it’s okay to re-negotiate the terms of your relationship. This might involve having a more serious conversation about what you’re both looking for and deciding if you can find a middle ground that satisfies you both.

7. Trust Your Instincts: If you feel that he’s more interested in getting his own needs met without fully submitting to you, trust your instincts. A healthy D/s relationship requires mutual respect, trust, and a genuine desire to fulfill each other’s needs. If he’s not willing to meet you halfway, it might be worth reconsidering whether this relationship is right for you.

Final Thoughts: You’re not doomed, and there’s definitely a chance to turn this around. The key is to assert your authority, communicate your expectations clearly, and ensure that the dynamic is balanced in a way that fulfills both your needs. Remember, being a Domme is about more than just playing a role—it’s about owning your power and creating a relationship dynamic that truly reflects who you are and what you want.

By taking these steps, you can guide him into the role of the obedient sub you’re looking for, while still ensuring that he gets what he needs as well.

With confidence and control,
Mizz Geena