Sleepfucking with Consent: Answering a Reader’s BDSM Question

Dear Mizz Geena

I’m writing you because I don’t really know who else to ask. I’m in a weird situation, I guess I’m “domming” my boyfriend, but he doesn’t even know it. And now, I’m worried I’m ruining our relationship.

I’m 18, and he’s my first real boyfriend. He’s older than me, 25, and has more experience with sex. The truth his, he’s the first guy I’ve been with. And, I’m learning some amazing things about the male penis that they didn’t teach us in health class. For example – did you know that he can actually get hard when he’s asleep?

Let me explain… He’s an EMT and works the graveyard shift, while I’m still going to college, mostly during the day. He has a hard time sleeping during the day, and apparently is “worthless” if he doesn’t get his “beauty sleep”, so he takes some pretty serious sleeping pills.

One morning, after he’d come home from his shift, taken his pills and fallen into his drugged sleep, I had snuck into his apartment hoping to surprise him, get a wake-and-fuck from him. But, he was fast asleep – and I mean, unmoveable. He sleeps naked, so I decided to pull his sheet back and have a little fun. I was going to take a few pictures of his dick with my phone and joke with him about them later.

As I touched his dick to move it into place, it instantly reacted and started growing! I started playing with it, and in moments he was fully erect. And I mean, fully. I looked up, thinking he must be awake, but he was still fast asleep. Snoring even. I decided I’d climb on him and wake him up fucking. But.. he never woke up.

He just laid there, erect, as I rode him. He grunted some, but after I came on him twice, I was about ready to unboard when I felt that familiar swelling. I rode him harder, and sure enough I felt the sudden warmth as he shot his load in me. And yet, still asleep! I had no idea it was possible, but I made him sleep fuck me. He never woke up until his alarms went off, and never said anything about it. He had no idea!

Here’s where I might have crossed a line – but it became my little game to sneak in as often as I can and sleepfuck him. I enter his apartment (he gave me my own key) and find him asleep, naked in his bed. I get him hard, which usually only takes a couple of minutes, and then ride him until I’m satisfied. It’s cheaper than replacing the batteries in my vibrator. Plus, I don’t have to, but I’m a good girlfriend and always make sure he orgasms too. I know he wouldn’t care that I was doing this, in fact he’d be proud of himself! I’ve been doing this for about three months now and have probably sleep-fucked him at least fifty times.

We still have sex every waking opportunity, and it is amazing, but now I feel like I’m cheating on him, with him. When I mentioned this to my best friend recently, she was appalled. She told me I was sexually assaulting him, having sex with him without his consent. She is very angry with me, and even threatened to tell him or call the cops. I’ll admit, it’s changed my thought process, and I think I want to tell him now.

And that brings me to my letter to you, Mizz Geena. I don’t want this relationship to end, I don’t want him to be angry at me for this. I want him to accept it, and accept that I hold this power over him. He’s expressed his willingness to do anything for me, to worship me, to be my sex slave if I want it. I figure, what I’m doing is just taking what he’s already said he’s willing to give me. In fact, maybe I don’t really need to tell him? Part of me thinks it’s better for both of us to keep this going the way it is – a secret! What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,

The sleep-fucking Mistress

Dear Sleep-Fucking Mistress,

I understand why you’re reaching out with such a complex situation on your hands, and I appreciate your openness. It’s wonderful that you and your boyfriend have an exciting, adventurous connection, but this dynamic you’ve been developing does raise some important concerns, particularly around consent. The thrill you’re experiencing from your “sleepytime” encounters is understandable, but I believe that this situation has crossed some lines that need addressing—especially now that it’s happened fifty times.

Let’s start with the foundation here: consent. Consent is the bedrock of a healthy and fulfilling relationship, especially in the context of BDSM and any form of domination/submission dynamic. Even though your boyfriend has expressed a general willingness to be submissive to you and has shown that he trusts you, it’s essential that each specific encounter is consensual. The fact that he’s completely unaware of these interactions while in a deep sleep means that he hasn’t given explicit consent in the moment—and this is something we cannot overlook.

It’s perfectly natural to feel excited by your dominant side and the possibilities of this kind of control over him. But the key to any fulfilling D/s relationship is that both partners are fully aware and consenting to the dynamics involved. While it’s one thing to have done this the first time out of curiosity (and maybe even the next couple of times as a surprise), this has become a pattern without his knowledge, and at this point, it’s a boundary that has to be addressed.

Here are some steps I would encourage you to take in approaching him with this:

1. Prepare Yourself for Honesty and Openness

Take a deep breath and get ready to approach this conversation with honesty. The longer this secret stays unaddressed, the bigger the potential fallout. Start by reminding him how much you value your relationship and how much you’re enjoying discovering this new side of yourself with him. Then, explain that there’s something you’ve been doing that, while thrilling, has made you realize you need to bring him in on it to keep things fully consensual and respectful.

2. Approach the Conversation with Sensitivity

When you share this with him, frame it as something you’re excited about exploring together—but only if he feels comfortable with it. A good approach might be to say, “There’s something I’ve been doing that I think you might enjoy hearing about, but I also realize I should have talked to you about it first.” Reinforce that your intention was never to cross a line but to share a unique experience with him, one you assumed he’d be okay with based on his openness with you.

3. Acknowledge the Boundaries You’ve Crossed

Be ready to admit that you realize these encounters should have been discussed earlier. Emphasize that you’re committed to respecting his boundaries and that going forward, you want everything you share to be within those boundaries. This may even help him trust you more, knowing that you’re willing to acknowledge when you’ve made a misstep and learn from it.

4. Think Through How He Might React

Now, let’s consider how he might feel hearing this. He may be intrigued and flattered, he may be turned on by the idea, or he may have mixed feelings about the fact that it was happening while he was unaware. He could feel a range of emotions, including embarrassment or even anger. He might interpret this as you taking advantage of him, and he could feel uncomfortable with the lack of prior consent, especially if this is his first time hearing it. Be prepared for any reaction and let him express his feelings fully, without interrupting or downplaying his concerns.

5. Establish Clear Boundaries for the Future

If he’s open to the idea of sleepy play or consensual “free use,” this could be an opportunity to set clear boundaries around when and how you can initiate this. This might mean establishing a specific kind of agreement where he gives you a more general, ongoing consent, or having a discussion about which scenarios he’s comfortable with. Having these boundaries will make the dynamic safer and more enjoyable for both of you.

6. Explore Other Forms of Domination Together

Given his interest in being submissive, perhaps this is the time to incorporate other forms of domination that don’t require him to be asleep. There are countless ways to explore your dominant side while he’s fully present and consenting. Whether it’s introducing commands, role play, or other consensual control scenarios, this can bring excitement and connection without any worry about crossing lines.

Final Thoughts

Your desire to have control over him is a natural part of your dominant side, but any kind of domination should be rooted in mutual consent and respect. By talking openly with him now, you’re giving him the respect and choice he deserves, and this conversation will lay the groundwork for a deeper, trust-filled dynamic moving forward.

Don’t let fear hold you back from being honest with him. Relationships like this are built on trust, and your honesty here will show him that you truly care about his well-being and the future of your relationship.

With care and clarity,
Mizz Geena