The Sub Who Tried to Top From Below
There’s a phrase every Dominant learns sooner or later: “Topping from the bottom.” It refers to a submissive who, instead of surrendering, tries to control the dynamic through manipulation, emotional pressure, or passive resistance. It’s not just a bratty phase, though some like to disguise it that way. It’s an attempt—sometimes conscious, sometimes not—to take power that doesn’t belong to them.
In my early years as a Domme, I had a submissive who seemed perfect. Polite. Attentive. Eager. He sent daily reports, completed tasks, and spoke with respect. But soon, subtle patterns emerged. He would “suggest” how scenes should go, “remind” me of rituals he preferred, and pout if my attention wandered elsewhere. It wasn’t outright disobedience. It was worse. It was control disguised as submission.
Topping from below is a breach of trust because submission, by definition, means surrendering control. True power exchange only happens when both parties are honest about what they’re giving and taking. When a sub plays games to steer the dynamic, they create instability that corrodes the connection. The Domme begins second-guessing herself, adjusting her energy to manage feelings instead of maintaining authority. That’s not Femdom. That’s emotional labor masquerading as dominance.
When I finally confronted him, he admitted he was afraid of losing me. That fear, he said, made him act out. I understood the fear. But fear doesn’t justify manipulation. Real submission is vulnerable; it trusts the Domme to lead even when it’s uncomfortable. I released him after that talk. Sometimes, the kindest thing a Domme can do is end the relationship that has turned toxic.
Reclaiming your power after being undermined requires clarity. You have to redefine your boundaries, remember what your authority feels like, and resist the urge to apologize for it. Dominance is not cruelty, but it’s not compromise either. It is direction, confidence, and the unwavering expectation of obedience built on respect.
FAQ
What does “topping from the bottom” actually look like?
It can appear as constant suggestions, subtle guilt-tripping, pouting, or using emotional pressure to influence the Domme’s decisions.
Can a sub do this accidentally?
Yes. Many subs don’t realize they’re doing it. That’s why open communication and correction are vital.
How should a Domme respond?
Address it directly and calmly. Set clear limits, restate expectations, and if necessary, end the dynamic.
Is it ever okay for a sub to express needs or preferences?
Absolutely. Healthy communication is encouraged. The difference lies in how it’s expressed—honest conversation versus covert control.
Can topping from the bottom be corrected?
Sometimes. If both partners are honest, willing, and open to resetting roles, the dynamic can heal.
Taking Back the Reins
A Dominant’s authority must be protected. Once you allow a sub to steer from below, you lose not just control, but confidence. Reclaiming it starts with recognizing manipulation and refusing to indulge it. When the power dynamic is real, both partners thrive. When it’s twisted, both suffer.
I agree with this. But will add that committed subs do have worthwhile suggestions. These should be requested. Its an important part of open communications. It can also add to eroticism, for example during CBT (we call this cock and ball training … because it is. Why not take aboard his thoughts on how to be shape then to be more of what we want? “Should I put the needle here, or here? Did that hurt? A little, or a lot? Would it hurt more if I do it like this?”
I find I walk this tight rope myself but thankfully I have Mizz Geena to run things by with now.
My wife is very much non-kink, Ive grown to understand I’m very much submissive at heart – that is my happy place. In my relationship I have to be a switch in many aspects.
So I do find it hard to work out that balance of what I can do without topping from the bottom. Not waving posts and articles around like I would have in the past for example.
I guess one of the main things is my awareness to it and caution around it.